Monday, August 7, 2017

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

So before I even get started let me just say I am THRILLED my dreaded summer of heat has been passing along pretty quickly. I couldn’t be happier. I totally think that having had company for two weeks in July definitely helped and bingo. Here I am with only about 5 weeks left before I move right on into the beginnings of autumn. My most beloved season of them all.

Just what I’ve been doing since I last posted I really can’t say but I have indeed been busy, happy and feeling excellent. Besides… like I’ve mentioned before… this Life Calculator deal that I saw online tells me I supposedly have only 6 more summers to go before I kick the bucket so I guess I better suck up as much joy as I possibly can no matter what the season or festivity. I only pray I live long enough to see that Trump doesn’t bring our country to ruins altogether but that’s a story for another day. In the meantime…

I had a pretty startling experience today. It all began with my having taken some cooked ribs out of the freezer this morning imagining they would make a perfectly fine dinner for tonight. Then I went about my lovely day, naturally coming home and eventually taking my alltime favorite… a nap.

For some reason when I woke up however, I totally had a hankering for Garlic Chicken from my local Chinese takeout which I like to frequent at least once a week. I know. Somehow I’ve developed a taste for this bullshit place but regardless 1.) I don’t have to cook and 2.) I’ve become addicted to it. Whatever.

The problem began when I went to go pick up the order. I still had on the clothes I wore all day, minus my bra which absolutely comes off within minutes of my ever coming home. I pretty much stay dressed all day long, until I take my evening shower, but my bra? THAT comes off imMEDiately. And usually stays off unless I ever have to go out once again.

Which was my major dilemma tonight. Did I REALLY have to put it back on just to run out to this Chinese dump where I’ll probably see no one I know? Could I sort of fake it… kinda like run right in, pick up the food and run right back out again? I chose the latter. I figured WTF. I’d forget about the bra.

Until I looked in the mirror, that is. 

Oh man. So freakin’ disgusting. I had on an opaque white cotton tunic t-shirt, one you definitely could not see through. Thus that wasn’t the problem. Rather the problem was that see through or not…. you could SO see that my breasts were just this shy of touching my knees. Saggy would not even beGIN to describe this horrifying fashion look. Even I was aghast at viewing myself.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME, ANYWAY?? I so don’t think this is normal aging. MAJOR wardrobe malfunction going on! Okay… pert and perky days are well behind me but seriously. THIS saggy?? I don’t think even one friend of mine is looking like I do at this age. Probably not even my Mother when she was 84!

Which basically made me turn right smack around, walk into my bedroom, put my bra back on, and then check out the difference. OMG. Talk about night and day. Within moments my breasts went from looking like 110 years old to oh... about 50, I guess. No WONDER bra manufacturers charge so much. They SO deserve the big bucks.

Which basically makes me feel as if I am completely pulling a scam on the entire world. With bra on? You’d almost think my breasts were decent enough. With bra off? You’d want to throw up altogether. 

Which is why up above, I’m including a pict of my actual bra but certainly not on my actual body. I wear only black unless I’m wearing a sheer white shirt and I only wear this plunge style. Gives nice cleavage, btw, don’t you think. Anyway…

I’m thinking the public at large should pretty much thank me for coming to my senses and donning this upper body shapeware everyday. Of course...now… it’s the LOWer body shapeware that needs a major workover. One which I suspect only a plastic surgeon can correct. If only.

In closing, I absoultely have to thank Mary Phelps Jacob, who in 1914 apparently had the first patent on today's modern bras in the United States. Without her I'd be scaring anyone who ever looked my way. I'm only so sad she couldn't be around today to see just how far her idea for uplifting women has come. On the other hand... I bet she'd flip fucking out at how far women's panties have come! Who knew G string undies would soar in everyday popularity? And oh yeah. Don't even get me started on waxing.    

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