MYSTERY ITEMS

So I do have to say… one thing that maybe has come from this coronavirus deal is that perHAPS I have saved money. I haven’t been out enough to spend what I think would be my normal amount. Yet of course... since I would never consider living with a budget, let alone living within one, I can’t be REALLY sure, but I do have to think I’m ahead of the game moneywise. I kinda like to just buy whatever the hell I want and worry about the cost of it later. And so far, it's worked out pretty well for me, actually. 

Regardless… given I began spending a huge bunch of money in February on Amazon, in preparation for this pandemic, monies during the first three months were no longer high on my American Express card but instead on my Discover card. So maybe it all washed out in the end. Well, maybe not but who cares. Besides… by now, all my pandemic supplies are pretty much accumulated so I hope I’m good to go for a while.

Which means: my spending these past 5 months has basically been online but now it has been for mere pleasure. Like the sandals I bought in black and in white. Or the sheet sets I love because of their fantastic soft bamboo blend for summer. Or loads of downloaded books for my Kindle. The list goes on and on. Naturally, I have a record of everything I bought and receipts showing me from where I bought the item and it’s exact cost. With that in mind...

I can’t even TELL you how often an item reaches my door and I have NO CLUE WHATSOEVER what it could possibly be since I never remember what I’ve even ordered. It’s a major surprise when I open the package and then think to myself YIPPEE. NOW I REMEMBER. I AM SO HAPPY THIS ARRIVED. I'M GOING TO LOVE IT. YAY PACKAGES. It’s totally like having Xmas all year long. In the meantime…

See those two item up above??? TALK ABOUT A MYSTERY BOX. These two items arrived in the same box, but without a price receipt nor any info whatsoever about from what company it came. Nor had I any memory at all that I even ordered it, but almost kinda, sorta, maybe thought I did. But the mystery didn’t stop there.

I also had absolutely no idea what the fuck these items were FOR. I was soooo stymied, it was ridiculous! I looked and looked at them, and could NOT figure out for what or how these were to be used. No wonder it’s never a good idea to shop online at 3:00 in the morning. In the meantime…

One of the items I suddenly sooort of remembered what it could be for, but couldn’t be sure. So I took a guess and Googled what I thought the possibility might be. BINGO. I hit the jackpot and when I saw a picture… IT CAME BACK TO ME. EXACTLY WHY I ORDERED IT AND EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED. Duh. I couldn’t beLIEVE I had forgotten what this was all about. Anyway… one item down. One to go.

The OTHER item was simply beyond my attempting to guess what it was. I couldn’t even Google it given I had no clue what the hell words I could even enter to put in the search bar, SOOOO…

I wound up bringing it to my Breakfast Club of about a dozen women whereby we now have a local place where we can eat outdoors, bring our own food and chairs for distancing, and safely visit for a couple of hours each Saturday. In the old days we dined in a restaurant. Then for a couple of months we all Zoomed. Then eventually, we just got together outdoors. Regardless… I decided to do a show and tell and ask everyone WHAT THE F COULD THIS BE??

Boom!!!! Frieda guessed it’s purpose right off the bat! Seriously… how she came up with this, I have no idea. It was amazing. I still didn’t remember ordering it for that but… as soon as I got home, I Googled once more and SHE WAS RIGHT. More importantly.., I LOVE IT AND IT’S EXACTLY WHY I WANTED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. Yay!! Second mystery solved. Talk about thank God for small favors. Trying to figure it out would have driven me crazy for the rest of my life, believe me. So now…

You ready for the reveal??? Sitting down?? Here are the two items. YOU guess what they’re for! And no cheating.

Item number one:

Item number two:

Give up???

Well... guess what? The first picture is a fantastic cooking utensil... it makes poached eggs perfectly!! And easily! No fuss. No muss. You simply put your cracked egg into the colored cup, place it in a little bit of boiling water for about 5 minutes maybe, cover the pot and WHAMMO. In no time at all YOU HAVE EXCELLENT POACHED EGGS WHICH SLIDE OUT ONTO YOUR ENGLISH MUFFIN, OR WHATEVER, LIKE A BREEZE... AND BINGO, YOU EAT!! Omg. This was incredible. Okay... so the next item??

The second item is also fantastic... a major help in easily preparing... ready???... minced garlic!! Can you believe it? You just put your cloves onto a surface, move the handle back and forth over the garlic and next thing you know... perfect garlic for adding to your pot or pan. I LOVE THIS TOOL. No chopping. No pressing. No nothing. Just move back and forth. Totally a great cooking tool! Who could ask for more? Well... I guess asking for a decent memory would help, but apparently that's going out the window, but fast. In the meantime...

Oh man. All I can say is: I can't believe 1.) I had no idea what the hell I ordered 2.) I had no idea how to use these kitchen items or 3). that I was actually able to solve the mystery! Seriously... I would NEVER have known what to do with these unless I searched it out. What an idiot I am. On the other hand... I'm not all THAT dumb since in the end... I DID buy two great kitchen tools. 

Which by the way, I think you should, too! 

OWWW. IT TOTALLY HURTS!

Oh man. I am so glad this throat surgery is over. I can't even believe what a nervous wreck I had been leading up to it. Well wait. I wasn't a comPLETE total wreck, but by the time the night before this deal arrived, it then became a bit more scary. Actually... it wasn't so much the surgery itself I was afraid of, given I'd be way knocked out with anesthesia, so I wouldn't really feel any pain at that point. It was AFTER the procedure that scared the hell out of me.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The doctor told me I'd have some discomfort, but it wouldn't be too too bad. Which of course I translated into: SHIT. THIS IS SO NOT GOING TO FEEL GOOD AND I SHOULD TOTALLY BE PREPARED FOR MAJOR PAIN. After all, there were stitches involved, an incision involved, some swelling involved, etc. etc. Add all that up and to me... it sounded like way more than mere discomfort. 

However, I must admit that in the end... the doctor wasn't completely off base. Yes, every time I swallow, I feel discomfort and that alone is unnerving. But as for GENUINE, REAL HARD CORE PAIN... no I'm not experiencing that at all. THANK THE LORD. It's like: uh, yeah, okay. This hurts like hell, but I think maybe I can get through this afterall. Keyword: maybe.

Everyday I wake up, hoping my throat will feel way better than the day before which is not exactly the way it’s working out. Damnit. Anyway... so far I'm surviving. Kinda.

I'm also SO DAMN HAPPY that the pathology report came back and YIPPEE YIPPEE YIPPEE. There was no cancer found. Talk about thank God for small favors, right? Believe me… had it come back otherwise, I’d so have to simply say adios to everyone and call it a day for Living As Linda. Forever.
Anyway... 

I came home from the hospital, had my sister stay with me that afternoon and I then had hired help for someone to be here with me that evening. Just in case I kicked the bucket or something. I ate angel hair pasta, jello, pudding, popsicles, etc. etc. And... I took Percocet every few hours. Of course swallowing is no pleasant feat at ALL but at least I wasn't ready to jump off a cliff over it. I won't lie. It still HURTS to swallow but by now, I'm totally hungry enough to endure each swallow so I can get some sort of real food into me. Had I not felt the swallow deal with each bite I take, I'd be in tip top shape... but whatever.

So that was basically day one. Day two went along pretty well uh... up until dinner time. For the first time that day, I took half a Percocet around 6:00 that evening. WITHIN SECONDS I broke out in THE most horrible itching situation EVER. Everywhere from my head to my toes I was an itching mess. I GOT SCARED IMMEDIATELY. I knew it was a reaction from the med, given it happened within 2 seconds after downing the pill, but then on top of it all, an anxiety attack kicked in. I couldn't see this going down a happy path at ALL. In the end however...

I called the doctor, he called me right back, told me to get some antihistamine and take Ibuprofen and Extra Strength Tylenol and within about an hour an a half, I was back to humanity again.THANK YOU, DEAR GOD. Now I'm on day three.

Guess what? SO FAR, SO GOOD. Yay. I even spent some time with some friends, went to the grocery store, and had a normal life. I'm thinking I'll just have to kick back and hope I wake every morning with the healing and swelling going down lickety split and bingo. I'll be good as new. Cross your fingers everyone, for I so need this discomfort to be a thing of the past. Oh yeah…

A crazy, new extra thing has occurred. MY FEET AND TOES ARE SWOLLEN TO TWICE THEIR SIZE. This, I am not happy about at all. I normally have pretty decent looking ankles and toes. NOW? Now I have feet that look like Big Foot. I just now spoke to the doctor, who has no clue why this would be happening but... should this continue... YIKES. I HAVE TO GO THE ER TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON. Holy shit. Are you kidding me??? Just what I need.

All I know for sure is: this had BETTER be the last surgery I ever need in my entire lifetime. I am done with pain!! Which reminds me… I just swallowed. OW. IT TOTALLY HURTS!         

COVID TEST

Oh man. I totally hate when you start off with one problem and bingo. The next thing you know, you’re involved in a much bigger one.

It started off with my feeling like crap for several weeks with what I thought was a sinus infection. It took WEEKS to get that entire problem resolved. I had to speak to my doctors online, they had to TRY to figure out what was actually going on, I had to try several different antibiotics and finally, I had to be seen in person before yippee. The whole sinus deal eventually got all better. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that once my ENT doctor’s office finally re-opened, and I was seen in person, bingo. My doctor told me: uh… you seem to have another problem here btw… nothing to do with your sinuses. I DO?? WHOA. THIS CAN’T BE GOOD.

And apparently, it’s not. Turns out I have a small non cancerous growth on my uvula at the back of my throat which needs to be removed. Talk about wanting to jump out of the examining chair lickety split. WTF??

Of course I immediately then wanted to know: OKAY. BUT WHAT IF I DO NOTHING GIVEN I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE TO BEGIN WITH?? Hmmm… I was told it will grow bigger and eventually could become a gagging problem for me. UH, WHAT??? HOW LONG MIGHT THAT TAKE?

Basically, nothing the doctor was telling me was good news. My thinking was: if it takes a long time to become bigger, then maybe I’ll have just kicked the bucket altogether by the time I have to deal with the gagging growth dilemma. The doctor’s thinking basically was: don’t bank on your kicking the bucket scenario.  

Thus, within minutes, his assistant was in the room, setting up a surgical appointment, giving me all the info I needed and of course, setting up a Covid test for about a week before the procedure. PLEASE TELL ME I’M DREAMING.

Sadly of course, I wasn’t. But okay. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Damnit. And therefore, I left the office with all this info, expecting a call from the hospital itself to give me even more instructions. Don’t ask. It was at this point, after taking 3 pages of notes from this phone conversation, that I thanked the lady, hung up and quickly decided: TIME OUT. THIS IS WAY TOO SHORT A TIME FOR ME TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND ALL THIS BULLSHIT AND THEREFORE, NO. I’M NOT DOING THIS IMMEDIATELY. INSTEAD, I’M POSTPONING THIS SURGERY FOR AT LEAST A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

Which is exactly what I did. My nerves calmed down within seconds.

Finally, a couple of weeks later, I was in a much better place to deal with all this, and therefore, rescheduled this entire deal. Which only means: at 6:00 a.m. next week, I need to show up for this surgery. FUCK. I SOOO know this is going to hurt!!

Which by the way, I totally addressed with the doctor. UH… TELL ME THE TRUTH. EXACTLY HOW MUCH PAIN AM I GOING TO BE IN AND FOR HOW LONG AFTERWARDS?? Answer: yes, there will be discomfort but not really too much. EASY FOR HIM TO SAY. Personally, I don’t buy the discomfort line, but whatever. I so see pain rather than discomfort in my future, which was kinda confirmed when he wrote a script for post-op Percocet. Gulp. 

In the meantime, my bigger problem for the moment was having the virus swab test done, which scared me but plenty. For, I remember listening to Trump saying it was not a particularly pleasant test and how they go way up your nose, etc. etc. As if his Presidency alone doesn’t scare me enough, hearing him say this put me over the edge. But regardless…

I, in fact, went for the nose swab. ALERT: THE TEST IS NOT BAD, AT ALL! Per usual, the President was totally lying. What a surprise, right?? I was even tempted to  take a baby Ativan before being tested, but I butched up and did it without any meds at all. Yay me. Of course if the test comes back positive tomorrow, I’ll slit my wrist. Both of them. Besides… how would I even know if it comes back with a false negative. SHOOT ME NOW.

In the meantime, I am totally freaked about this little surgery next Tuesday. The hospital folks even told me today I should have someone with me at home for the first night. UH… WHAT?? WHY?? WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DON’T?? So like I said… this so can’t be good. I am trying to remain calm, eating as little chocolate and other junk foods as possible, and just counting down the days before I go under the knife. During a pandemic, no less.

Bottom line: 1. Cross your fingers I don’t die. 2. Pray I am not in pain afterwards. 3. Promise me I come out of this virus-free. 4. Hope my insurance pays most of the cost.